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There have been numerous scientific studies done on the benefits of meditation. This morning I saw yet another article publicizing new findings. It turns out that “meditators seem to be able switch off areas of the brain associated with daydreaming as well as psychiatric disorders such as autism and schizophrenia”. Personally, I find this to be very interesting. I don’t know if I’m an “accomplished meditator” yet but I’ve spent enough time in meditation to no longer know how many hours it has been. I do know that when I am meditating I do notice that my brain does seem easier to understand and I am able to work with my mind in ways that I cannot when I am not in a meditative state.

The most apparent this kind of change meditation can have on the mind came to me in October when I went on a Zen retreat. It was two days of meditation and when I left the retreat, I was amazed with the clarity and control I had over my mind. The experience was incredibly motivating for me to continue in my practice and to continue to meditate as much as is possible.

Personally, I am also using meditation as I deal with depression and the mental fog that comes along with it. I am taking medication to treat it but I have found that when I combine it with meditation, I am much better equipped to handle the twisted reality that depression presents to those who suffer from it. There are times when I am feeling particularly down or feeling miserable about things and I remember to stop and to spend time in meditation.

A place of healing for the mind

As I breathe in, I focus on whatever is causing me pain. I breathe in the pain or anger or sadness or whatever else I’m feeling and breathe out a long, cleansing “Don’t Know” in response to that pain. This “don’t know” meditation is encouraged in the Kwan Um School of Zen in which I am a member. It serves as a focal point to bring my mind back to its original state. I repeat this process four or five times and this brings my mind back to a state where whatever I am struggling with seems much more manageable.

I am personally very interested in finding out more about the meditative influence on disorders like Asperger’s and Autism. As a parent of a child with Asperger’s, I am always on the lookout for things that may allow our child to process the world that they see and to deal with it in a way that allows them to integrate with it. Meditative techniques may be another tool in our arsenal of ways to bring our child out of their shell.

I think the verdict is in that meditation is healthy and beneficial for a well balanced life. Now, the evidence just keeps piling up in new ways to demonstrate just how beneficial it can be. If you do not have a meditation practice, I encourage you to find one. You will be thankful that you did.

Hope

For a long time this summer I felt like I was doomed to return to my starting weight of 330 pounds and just keep going. At some point when you feel that way, you reach a place of hopelessness and enter into a vicious cycle where it doesn’t matter what you eat since you’re going to gain weight anyway. Once you have eaten whatever you want due to hopelessness, your weight goes up and the feeling that you’ll never have things under control gets reinforced because, sure enough, your weight has gone up.

Stopping that cycle was the biggest challenge that I had to face this month when I realized I needed to get things back on track. I have realized that I’m probably going to have to deal with this kind of thing for the rest of my life. It’s the way my mind is wired. I think that realizing this will help me to stop the cycle if I ever find myself falling into it again.

Just as there is a vicious cycle that keeps me gaining weight, there is another cycle that does the opposite. It happens when I see that I can make changes and that my weight is manageable. This encourages me to make better decisions and then, when my weight goes down, it reinforces the feelings that I can do this and that my weight is controllable. It leads to me making better choices with more frequency.

The real benefit of this virtuous cycle is that instead of giving rise to hopelessness, it is a breeding ground for hope. I find that once again I have hope for a lifestyle that is as healthy as possible. I have hope that I will reach a weight that will move me to much lower risks of the numerous health problems that come with being my size. I have hope that when I look at myself in the mirror I will be proud of what I see.

Here’s to hope.

Sausage

I like pork. There, I said it. It’s so versatile and delicious. It’s also full of fat and salt and calories and is generally speaking completely bad for you if you are trying to live a healthy lifestyle. Pork is also really bad if you happen to be vegetarian or vegan. Personally, I’m “flexitarian”. I try to eat as little meat as possible but I don’t get too bent out of shape about eating meat. Yesterday was a day when I really didn’t care about it and I had ham. It was so good. Juicy and sweet and porky and mmmmmmmmmm. However, as nice as it is, we must remember that pork is a “sometimes” food. It used to be that those times were breakfast, lunch and dinner. Maybe that’s how I ended up weighing 330 pounds. I’ll have to think about that some more.

What’s a pork lovin’ guy like me supposed to do? Really, it’s not that much of a dilemma. First, you wake up to the fact that too much of a good thing will lead to obesity, heart problems, diabetes, cancer and an early death. No matter how good something tastes it just isn’t worth all of that. Next, you get creative. Alternatives do exist. Here’s one I found this morning from vegancoach.com. It’s for vegan sausage patties. I stumbled across this while I was looking for something to do with the tempeh I have sitting in my refrigerator. I will be trying this very soon and will report back on the results. I am altering the recipe a bit. The original called for bouillon cubes instead of broth. I’m enough of a food snob to shudder at that thought.

Vegan Sausage Patties

  • 8 ounces tempeh, cut in half
  • 1/2 cup water
  • 4 oz. vegetable broth
  • 1/4 cup rolled oats
  • 2 Tablespoons Tamari
  • 1 Tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
  • 1 teaspoon each of sage, thyme, and marjoram
  • 2 Tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil or other organic oil, for frying

1. In a small saucepan, add tempeh to vegetable stock. Cook for 10 minutes. Remove tempeh, cool and grate on coarse side of grater. Mix grated tempeh with oats, Tamari, water, oil and spices. Mixture should be moist enough to press into 12 patties. Chill on a covered platter.

2. Heat oil in a large skillet. Brown patties on each side over medium high heat, turning carefully. You may want to do this in small batches, using just a little oil each time. Patties will soak up the oil quickly, but will brown in the dry pan.

Makes: 12 small patties, or 6 large patties

Thankful

I have so many things to be thankful for. Even though I weigh more now than I did last Thanksgiving, I’m back on track and I’m making progress. A healthy lifestyle feels like it’s within reach again. I’ve gone through one of the darkest times in my life and been able to get through it. I am thankful for the newfound strength I have because of this.

I am thankful for all of the new friends I have made over the past few years since I moved to Maine. Moving a thousand miles from my home and family and friends was a difficult thing to do. It was another challenge that helped me to change and grow as a person.

I am thankful for my kids and the joy that they bring to my life. Their humor and energy and joy is contagious. I learn as much from my kids as they do from me. Being their dad is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

I am thankful for my practice and my sangha. I have found in my practice a real and practical way to address the challenges and struggles that life presents. I have made many new friends and am thankful for every one of them.

Speaking of being thankful, I’m thankful for the people who visit this blog. I was remembering a discussion I had a few years ago with a friend and he was encouraging me to start blogging. I actually told him that I wasn’t one of the kind of people with egos big enough to think that others may want to read about what I had for lunch. Now, I blog about what I ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Seriously, if you’re reading this, it makes me happy. And if you’re wondering, I had a big plate of bacon. It’s thanksgiving so I’m not worrying about it too much. Everything in moderation. I didn’t have anything else with it but a cup of coffee.

There are so many other blessings I have in my life that I lose track of them all. Sure, life is hard sometimes and there are things about it that I would like to change but when you add everything up, the good far outweighs the bad.

Bliss

Last night I had the opportunity to do something I hadn’t done in almost 20 years. I was able to play with Pan Fried Steel, a community based steel drum band based out of Yarmouth Maine. The high school I attended was fortunate enough to have  a steel drum band and I spent countless hours practicing and playing those drums. It was some of the most fun I ever had playing music. It was great to listen to and fun to play. Audiences always loved it and it taught me just how amazing music can be. Since leaving high school, I have really missed playing. Now, I have found another opportunity to have this great experience.

I was amazed at how quickly it came back to me. I haven’t read much music since I was forced to stop playing back in college. I still knew every note and all the musical notations felt like old friends. I think the best experience was being able to hold my own on two of the songs. I had no expectations of coming in and being able to play but these two particular pieces were simple enough that after a quick overview of the music and a survey of where the notes were on the drums I was playing, I was able to keep up and feel like I really played and participated in the group. After I left rehearsal, I was lightheaded with happiness. It was like a drug. I’m still smiling as I think about the experience.

I played drums like these

This was an experience I wasn’t planning on having. I didn’t specifically go and seek it out. It was one of those things that just happened. One day, I saw a flyer for upcoming performances at an event hall and noticed that there was a steel drum band from Yarmouth playing. I had no idea how they operated or if I could even participate. On a whim, I contacted them and asked about what it takes to be a member. It turns out, all that was needed was a willingness to play. I’ve got that in abundance so I attended the rehearsal last night and had a blast. As I said in my previous post about learning to play the guitar, focusing on music is an amazing meditative practice. I had a very similar experience to the one I wrote about in that post but much more intense. The single mindedness that comes when playing music is the state that a Zen practice cultivates. When playing music, you are just playing. You are with a group of other people who are of a similar mind and are just playing. It is the most visceral example of what Zen Master Seung Sahn called “together action” that I have ever experienced. While I was playing and reading and experiencing music I wasn’t worried about work, I wasn’t struggling with depression, I didn’t feel the need to stuff my face with junk. I just played and it was the most natural thing in the universe. I lost sight of my “I, my me” mind. It’s the closest I’ve ever come to experiencing Samadhi. Now, I am forced to leave that behind as it was in the past. If I try to keep holding onto it, I will only suffer as the rest of my experiences don’t add up to it. I cannot build up expectations of next week’s rehearsal either as it will set me up for suffering if things do not go according to all of the imaginary scenarios I have made. Each practice will be its own experience. Just as each moment is its own moment. Last night I had a beautiful experience and it made me happy. Today, I sit at a computer and type. What is the difference?

Last night I went out to dinner. It was a great dinner and I had made a decision beforehand to allow myself to indulge since I have been doing much better lately. I will not divulge what I had but needless to say, I did not feel compelled to step on the scale this morning! However, I discovered that progress doesn’t take a break. I was unable to finish my food. I was able to finish three-quarters of my dinner but that was it. Even a few weeks ago, I would have finished it and moved on for dessert. Even though I was sad to say goodbye to a yummy dinner but I was happy to learn that my stomach has begun to resemble that of a mere mortal’s. Then, to make matters worse, having had a big, rich dinner gave me a bit of a stomach ache as my body struggled to handle everything I had thrown at it. It was a fun evening and I don’t regret it but it was also really nice to see that there are other ways to judge progress than by a number on a scale.

On another note, gluttony day is this Thursday and I’m not sure how I’m going to handle it. Should I go ahead and celebrate it like I used to and allow myself to indulge or should I attempt to keep this progress going? In the end, I figure I’ll end up splitting the difference. I’ll enjoy eating whatever I want but I’ll do it all in moderation.

Progress

In a post the other day, I said that I was equating weight loss with progress. Even though I realize that consistency in eating well, exercising and making healthy choices is a much better gauge of progress, I still tend to focus on the weight. This morning, I finally saw some. After over a week of the damn scale looking up at me with some variation of the number 311 (the scale records tenths of pounds), I have finally seen 310. That brings the total I’ve lost back down to 20 pounds. That feels so much better than 19! I think it’s because I see an innate beauty in whole round numbers that prime numbers seem to lack (I know I’m a geek, no need to remind me). I know, in my head, that I’m making progress since it’s becoming easier to make healthy choices but my heart is still stuck on the number that pops up on the scale. So, this morning, my heart and my head are both very happy. Here’s to progress.

My nemisis

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