dharma loss

Don’t believe everything you read. For example, the title of this post is a lie. I guess that’s just one other way that losing weight isn’t like baseball. I’m not admitting to crying or anything, but there has definitely been a lot of ups and downs and time spent in some uncomfortable territory. That comes from not only trying to lose weight but from losing my old relationship with food. As the saying goes,  breaking up is hard to do.

Now, we’re entering into the frenzy of the holidays and all of the food that comes with it. In less than two weeks, we’ll be heading out to California for Thanksgiving with my family. I’m really looking forward to the trip but I’m also feeling anxious about the massive amount of unhealthy food I’ll be exposed to. Fortunately, we’ll be in California so it will be vegetarian friendly. I’m trying to get myself mentally psyched up for the holidays this year because this is going to be a time full of some of my favorite foods. I don’t know about you, but I love eggnog. I love pumpkin pie and dressing and mashed potatoes and corn and gravy and ham and turkey and everything that goes along with a holiday meal. One year, I spent most of Christmas in the kitchen with my brother and we actually made a Christmas goose with traditional chestnut stuffing. Then there’s the cookies and candies and cakes and candy canes and those little hard candies that magically have a Christmas tree in the middle. I love that stuff and I’m sad that I won’t be indulging like I have in the past. I’ve been asking myself what’s more important to me though: eating holiday food or becoming healthy. The truth is that it’s more important to me that I continue to live a healthy lifestyle than it is for me to eat all the Thanksgiving and Christmas goodies.

Ever since I hit the 55 pound mark for weight loss (as marked by my much more generous bathroom scale that puts my weight in the 260′s) I’ve had a hard time continuing to be as mindful as I was when I was in the 300′s. I stepped on a scale at the gym today and it also had my weight at 275 instead of the 260′s I’ve been seeing every day. This really had me down for a bit this morning but it also renewed my resolve to work hard and continue to lose this weight. I’ve had nothing but water to  drink today (about 4 liters) and I’ve eaten only salads for my meals. I also spent extra time working out today. I spent 45 minutes in the gym and burned 450 calories between the arc trainer and the treadmill. That made me feel good about myself and I’m pleased that I was able to exert that kind of effort without pushing myself too hard but I really did want to eat something other than a salad today for lunch or dinner.

I’m going to have to spend some time thinking about why I’ve been feeling this way lately. My last post pretending to wonder why I was still up was just that: pretend. I knew I’d had too much caffeine and then had an energy drink in the late afternoon and my body was in no shape to handle that. Once upon a time I wouldn’t have been phased by all that caffeine and other stuff but I’m not that person any more. I think maybe I’m in a bit of a grieving mode. I’m realizing with a bit more clarity just how hard it is going to be to maintain these lifestyle changes. I’m determined to do it though and I’ll get through this mental blockage and then get through the holiday season as a changed person. I’m nearly 60 pounds lighter than I was in the middle of this year and by the time next June rolls around I think I’ll have lost a hundred pounds. I’ve got hope about that but trying not to get attached to that coupled with a desire to not be attached to my old habits has me felling a bit adrift on my journey. One of the techniques to deal with these feelings I learned in Savor is to list out the reasons I have to be happy about where I am in this adrifted state.

• I’ve lost nearly 60 pounds
• I have more energy than I did in June
• I’m no longer suffering from the effects of depression
• I know how to eat healthy foods
• I am able to share my thoughts on a blog where other people have come and been inspired
• I no longer fear dying early of a heart attack
• I’m only obese now instead of morbidly obese
• I’ve already had to buy smaller clothes once and I need to go out and do it again very soon
• I have family and friends who love and support me
• Even after a large effort in the gym my body really isn’t in that much pain from it
• I am more focused and able to be more efficient in my work
• I look for ways to help others and enjoy doing it
• My creativity is at an all time high in writing and in designing solutions with computer applications
• I have an inner peace that is not being disturbed by the shallow emotional stuff I’m going through
• I have the skills to cope with my feelings and make the right decisions
• My life is significantly better now than it has been in a very long time
• I have goals that I am able to work toward and I see progress toward those goals
• I am loved in ways I can never know and I feel that love inside me
• My blood sugar is very low and I do not fear diabetes
• My cholesterol is low and in a very good place for someone my weight/age
• My blood pressure has gone down a significant amount and I am no longer considered pre-hypertensive

I feel better already. Seriously, I do. Just the act of having to think about the things I’m happy about and seeing them listed out in front of me is a great thing. Sure, there are times when I’m going to feel down and I’m going through one of those times momentarily but the fact is I have a lot more happy in me than I do sad. So, now that I’ve finished writing this post that I started 12 hours ago I think I’m going to drag my tired body up into bed and collapse into something like a coma and sleep long and soundly. As long as I get more than 5 hours of sleep tonight I think I’ll be good. I do not want to be writing on this blog at 1 A.M. again.